After sitting on the sidelines I need to ask, and I'm being completely honest and serious.
My wife and I have been married for 4 years without children. Most of our friends either have children or want them right away. We often hear how we're missing out because we don't have children and I can't understand what I'm missing out on. She and I like to travel, shop, and eat out a lot and our friends can never do these things without tons of planning. It is almost like I need to defend us not having children right now yet I have never heard from anyone on why they wanted children. Barring an aging woman working against the clock what reasons are there for people to have children early in a marriage? Were most kids accidents? Are our friends secretly jealous of our freedoms? Is that even remotely true?
Hmmm. These are some tough questions. Having children is of course not a requirement for marriage or life. But I will say from my own experience that it has made it more interesting, more fun, more valuable (if that's the right term) and more fulfilling.
When we decided to have kids, though, we didn't think of any of this. In fact, we didn't really think through it in the way I would a career move or going to college. It was more like holding hands and jumping together into a cold lake. You're not sure you really want to do it, and its shocking at first, but once you are in it, the water is fine and the swim is exhilirating. Our kids were not accidents, but that is not to say we really had any idea of what we were getting ourselves into. But then, children are not something you can ever really figure out without doing it. We had been married 3 years when we had our first kid. From a biological perspective, my wife's parents dying probably had some bearing on our desire to reproduce. But that escaped us at the time.
Are parents secretly jealous of your freedom? Of course we are. Because we used to have it, too. And also, because we are human, we want what we have now AND we want what we used to have. But that's life. I'd like to be a biologist, too, but I made my decision about what direction to go in life and I can't do it all, so I find the joy where I am. Plus, that freedom comes back on the other end.
The joys and meaning I derive from being a parent are not easily explained and when I do, they usually sound pretty cliched - stuff like "you've never known love like this love" (its true, but how obnoxious does that sound to someone without kids?). The maxim "nothing worth doing was ever easy" definitely applies to having kids. To quote another hackneyed phrase "its the hardest job you'll ever love." But none of these phrases really means as much until after you already have kids so I think for the childless, they probably just sound annoying.
But these things I do sincerely feel: The selflessness of raising kids (not that its ALL selfless) gives me a much bigger, broader view of the world and my place in it. It makes me feel grounded. It gives my life purpose. It connects me to the continuum of life - my parents before me and my children (and their children) after me. Managing a family as a cohesive unit is also an exhilirating thing (when it works smoothly - when not, well, it can be a little hair raising). And watching them grow and become their own little people is a truly awesome (in the literal meaning of the word) experience. My kids are 11 and 6. Its been a great ride so far and I look forward to more!
Can someone get these joys in other places? Of course they can. But for me, and I think many people, our biology is intimately connected to the drive and desire to nurture the next generation and that's a pretty palpable motivator. And it seems to satisfy something very basic and primordial inside us. Its kind of a "meaning of life" moment for me. What the hell else am I going to do with my life anyway? I personally just didn't feel like "enjoying myself" for another 60 years was going to give me (personally, I'm not judging others here) enough satisfaction and meaning out of life. I will admit, though, that it can drive a wedge between you and those that do not have kids (or vice versa). Yes, I have such friends, but the reality is that my life and schedule and needs have changed a lot and often don't dovetail so well with childless couples' patterns of living. That doesn't mean I value them any less - I just see them less.
So, I will say this about having kids (and I'm curious to hear what others have to say, too) - you will never, ever, be absolutely sure its what you want to do because, without experiencing it, you really can't know what is involved. And once you make the commitment, there is no returning them (but don't tell my kids - I have to hold something over them...). That's a very cold lake to jump in. A very cold, uncertain lake. But speaking as one who is already in the water, I think you should come on in - the water's fine. In fact, its pretty great. And it just might make you a better person - I know it has for me (which is not to say you are a bad person now...)
Also, I get bored easily. But never with my kids. They are very entertaining.
