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NEVERENDING ♾️ The NEVERENDING Raising Children Thread

btrage said:
1. Mostly her own, but also some of ours. As in she'll buy apps on her phone that get charged to our card, or use the credit card we gave her for non-essentials. She does pay towards car insurance for the car she uses (which is ours and fully paid off) and for her phone.
2. She is not fully on her own. Still lives at home and commutes to college, where she has one year left. We pay for 95% of her college.

She's a great kid (yes I still think she's a kid at 21), does good in college, coaches volleyball and does not spend her time partying. She just wants to be treated like an adult (mentions wanting to move out) but doesn't always make adult decisions, so when we get frustrated with her and she wants to talk about why, it ends up going bad.

Honestly, she probably does need to get away from us and move out. I'll admit we've spoiled our daughters over the years, so I'm sure we're partly to blame.
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My oldest is 31. When she was 21 she was at home and commuting to the local 4 year university and working part time. Her school tuition was split between child support, my contribution, and the balance from her. She was responsible for paying her share of the car insurance and her share of the cell phone bill (service & device). Young people do stupid things-nothing new under the sun. If it was money you gave to her you can feel some kind of way. If it’s money she earned let her learn the hard way and when she asks for some help tell her no. She’ll be resourceful. At least she’s willing to talk about it with you two-practice listening and not judging as hard as that seems. There’s a lot of good resources out there for financial literacy and money management. Talk to her about credit reports/scores, savings, IRAs, 401K, student loans if she has them, car financing, budgeting, etc.

When she graduated and was working full time, she paid me $400 in rent because she didn’t want to live with strangers and it was about half what she would have had to pay with 2-3 roommates. Also my house is two blocks from the train station and she works in NYC. She was definitely having a lot of fun with her paycheck. I mentioned to her that she might be better buying a property or investing her money so she’d have equity, income, or a combination of both.

She agreed and saved up $12K, maxed out her 401K, and looked for property. She bought a cute house at the beach for $210K @ 3% interest. I gifted her $7600 (the rent she paid me) after closing so she could paint, redo the floors, and furnish the house. The house is now worth about $475K. I live in the house now after moving during COVID. She lives in my house with her boyfriend. He’s also a saver and now looking at rental property to buy.
 
So my oldest is super deep in is rebellion phase and his grades are slipping more than the Wife and I are comfortable with. Last week we had a discussion about his grades and he said that he had a quiz on Friday in one of the classes. We discussed it and agreed to reinstate his screen privileges if he got a perfect score on the test and didn't get anything lower than an 85% on any test or assignment in that class. On Saturday he shows us a screen shot saying that he got a 100 on the test, I was skeptical, but the wife agreed to reinstate his screen privileges. Yesterday I reached out to his teacher because it had not been entered in the on-line grade system, and she informed me that there was no test last week. More so, he did poorly on a quiz that he had yesterday.

He does not fully know it yet, but later today he will lose his phone and all screen time, all of his drawing supplies (He is a very talented and passionate artist), and his freedom to go places with friends until further notice. He might have an idea that he got caught because I locked his phone down tighter than Fort Knox to the point that he can only call or text my wife an I at the moment. Nothing else works on it right now.
 
I brought home a couple bad grades on one report card in HS. Here's the entire conversation when Dad looked at the report card.

Dad: "Would you like to join your cousin at Hargrave Military Academy?"
Me; "No."
Dad: "Then you know what you need to do, right?"
Me: "Yes."
He signed the card and gave it back to me with a certain look on his face.
Dad: "I'm glad we understand."
 
michaelskis said:
So my oldest is super deep in is rebellion phase and his grades are slipping more than the Wife and I are comfortable with. Last week we had a discussion about his grades and he said that he had a quiz on Friday in one of the classes. We discussed it and agreed to reinstate his screen privileges if he got a perfect score on the test and didn't get anything lower than an 85% on any test or assignment in that class. On Saturday he shows us a screen shot saying that he got a 100 on the test, I was skeptical, but the wife agreed to reinstate his screen privileges. Yesterday I reached out to his teacher because it had not been entered in the on-line grade system, and she informed me that there was no test last week. More so, he did poorly on a quiz that he had yesterday.

He does not fully know it yet, but later today he will lose his phone and all screen time, all of his drawing supplies (He is a very talented and passionate artist), and his freedom to go places with friends until further notice. He might have an idea that he got caught because I locked his phone down tighter than Fort Knox to the point that he can only call or text my wife an I at the moment. Nothing else works on it right now.
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He probably has an old, deactivated phone at the ready. I know some sneaks that do that. :-O

Good luck with it, though.

= = =

Unrelated note: the one thing my parents never took away from me was my reading. No matter what I did to get in trouble, I was allowed to read as much as I wanted. My guess is that because such a banishment would have been unenforceable and counterproductive. (How can you do schoolwork if you can't read?)

They would take away other things I was indifferent about. But then, this was back in the 80's/90's. Things were different. (Fine. Take my Nintendo away. I'll just go to my friend's house and play his.)

Planit said:
I brought home a couple bad grades on one report card in HS. Here's the entire conversation when Dad looked at the report card.

Dad: "Would you like to join your cousin at Hargrave Military Academy?"
Me; "No."
Dad: "Then you know what you need to do, right?"
Me: "Yes."
He signed the card and gave it back to me with a certain look on his face.
Dad: "I'm glad we understand."
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I never understood why, if I brought home a report card like: A-, B+. B+, A-, A-, C-, A+, I would get a lecture about the C- and not compliments on the overall good work. No, math is not my strongest subject. C- is passing, technically. So let it go.

Jim

When I was a kid, I got punished for something (probably something I said incorrectly interpreted as snark) by being banned from going on the field trip to the city pool. No swimming for me! Which I didn't care, because I hated swimming, due to a-drowning/flatlining/recovery when I was four. (I still am not a big fan of many types of swimming.) And then, when I pointed this out ("Good! I hate swimming!") I got in trouble for lying. I still to this day don't see how stating a fact--I hate swimming--is a lie. My punishment there? Extra reading. Wow, horrible punishment for a kid who loves to read.
 
My parents punished me by taking my books away. It was the only thing that really got my goat. I did lose my computer privileges after installing a keylogger to get the password to the childlock programme to give myself more screen time. "But mom, the classic lego.com game "Cryst-Alien Conflict" cannot be beaten within the 30-minute timeslot I am permitted!"
 
joscoffee said:
My parents punished me by taking my books away. It was the only thing that really got my goat. I did lose my computer privileges after installing a keylogger to get the password to the childlock programme to give myself more screen time. "But mom, the classic lego.com game "Cryst-Alien Conflict" cannot be beaten within the 30-minute timeslot I am permitted!"
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We got two hours per day each weekend day (one hour per day on weekdays). But my thinking was that, since that rule was made so all four kids get a chance to play on the computer on a given day, I could get up before anyone else. If every other kid is sleeping, my time hasn't started. So I'd fire up the Commodore at 4:30 a.m some days. Nobody else would be up for hours.

I still somewhat have that habit--I get up about 40 minutes earlier than I need to during the week so I have time to get a cup of coffee and peruse the major national financial daily before beginning my day in earnest.

4:50 am wake up, first cup of coffee, reading time
5:30 am shower/shave etc
5:45 am breakfast
6:00 am wake up/feed birds
6:10 am misc tidy up/whatever else needs to be done
6:23 am leave house
6:40 am arrive at work
6:45 am start coffee at work, settle in to desk
7:00 am official start time

JIm
 
This is a good thread.

I agree that being supportive looks like your job and that umbilical stretches way out sometimes, but we have tried a lot to respect them for their age. Our daughters are grown, married, and gone now. I always told myself that if we could raise them and not be utterly rejected we would have done well.

I grew up in the sixties, and many of us totally rejected our parents. No communication beyond holiday duties. Even funerals were maybes.

Now the question is, are they our peers?.. When will they be telling us what and how to do?
 
My favorite principal at my kids’ elementary school used to say “C’s get degrees”. The kids worked their fannies off for him. Too bad the parish priest sold the school down the river …
 
jumbach said:
We got two hours per day each weekend day (one hour per day on weekdays). But my thinking was that, since that rule was made so all four kids get a chance to play on the computer on a given day, I could get up before anyone else. If every other kid is sleeping, my time hasn't started. So I'd fire up the Commodore at 4:30 a.m some days. Nobody else would be up for hours.

I still somewhat have that habit--I get up about 40 minutes earlier than I need to during the week so I have time to get a cup of coffee and peruse the major national financial daily before beginning my day in earnest.

4:50 am wake up, first cup of coffee, reading time
5:30 am shower/shave etc
5:45 am breakfast
6:00 am wake up/feed birds
6:10 am misc tidy up/whatever else needs to be done
6:23 am leave house
6:40 am arrive at work
6:45 am start coffee at work, settle in to desk
7:00 am official start time

JIm
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I'm impressed -- how do you get your head into taking time before you shower/get ready? When I wake up I feel unprepared if I don't get shower and get dressed ASAP, to the extent that I can't focus on anything else. Once I'm dressed, I want to be doing work, so all morning relaxation is just gone.
 
joscoffee said:
I'm impressed -- how do you get your head into taking time before you shower/get ready? When I wake up I feel unprepared if I don't get shower and get dressed ASAP, to the extent that I can't focus on anything else. Once I'm dressed, I want to be doing work, so all morning relaxation is just gone.
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Wife takes a shower first, since she leaves first. Once she's done, it's my turn. Yes, we have two showers, but I like my "wake up and have coffee first" routine.

Taking a shower in the same shower at the same time could be, uh, distracting. :p

Jim
 
jumbach said:
Wife takes a shower first, since she leaves first. Once she's done, it's my turn. Yes, we have two showers, but I like my "wake up and have coffee first" routine.

Taking a shower in the same shower at the same time could be, uh, distracting. :p

Jim
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Dude. You get up at ten to FIVE in the a.m. and your wife leaves first? You are officially a Power Couple. I'll do whatever you say. Where can I buy your book? :)
 
ursus said:
Dude. You get up at ten to FIVE in the a.m. and your wife leaves first? You are officially a Power Couple. I'll do whatever you say. Where can I buy your book? :)
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Well, since you aren't local to Reno, you can always enter "James D. Umbach" on Amazon and see what comes up. :) I am surprised that "Drum Forebay Makes a Pretty Good Swear Word" is suddenly selling so well. (If you were local, I'd steer you to a local bookstore.)

Jim
 
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ursus said:
Dude. You get up at ten to FIVE in the a.m. and your wife leaves first? You are officially a Power Couple. I'll do whatever you say. Where can I buy your book? :)
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I typically get up at 5-5:15a every weekday. And I have about a 15 min drive to work and don't have to be in the office until 8:30a.

I, like @jumbach , like to ease into my morning.

Doesn't everybody? ;)

I can use this time to roust the teens in the house to get their asses moving. They only have a 0.25 mile walk to their HS.
 
Gedunker said:
My favorite principal at my kids’ elementary school used to say “C’s get degrees”. The kids worked their fannies off for him. Too bad the parish priest sold the school down the river …
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My oldest is a lot like me and was diligent about her school attendance, homework, and grades.

This second child though….Her nickname is 44, as in the Icky Woods cold cuts Geico commercial. She’s a dreamer, always doing arty things, and marches to the beat of her own drum. Her grades are lackluster but she is passing. The transition to the middle school has been hard coming from a tiny community school where every student is loved and nurtured. A lot of the textbooks are online only and much of their homework is done in Google Classroom. That’s hard when you are a tactile learner.

Mskis, my hunch is this is part normal teenager behavior and part adjusting from your recent move. Kids are resilient but they also have their struggles. Take him out one on one for something he likes to do, talk with him but don’t come at him, see if he’ll open up a bit. Personally, I wouldn’t remove art supplies from his lineup as it’s likely an important outlet for him. Most kids (and adults) can benefit from less screen time.
 
mendelman said:
time to roust the teens
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You ever roast the teens?

“Okay sleepyheads, I just watched the local weather, looks like it's gonna be wet out

…unlike your girlfriends.”

IMG_0742.gif
 
mendelman said:
I typically get up at 5-5:15a every weekday. And I have about a 15 min drive to work and don't have to be in the office until 8:30a.

I, like @jumbach , like to ease into my morning.

Doesn't everybody? ;)

I can use this time to roust the teens in the house to get their asses moving. They only have a 0.25 mile walk to their HS.
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I have to be at work between 7-7:30 am. I have a 4 minute commute and drop the kid off at school. If we walk its 15 minutes driving is another 3 or 4 minutes.

I try to wake up at 5:45 am, but usually its closer to 6:05. Shower/shave, get dressed, get kid up (usually a 3 step process), get coffee, make breakfast for kid/sometimes lunch if I forgot the night before, feed dogs and administer their multiple medications, grab protein shake or breakfast bar and out the door. I'm more of a whirling dervish in the morning.
 
mendelman said:
I typically get up at 5-5:15a every weekday. And I have about a 15 min drive to work and don't have to be in the office until 8:30a.

I, like @jumbach , like to ease into my morning.

Doesn't everybody? ;)

I can use this time to roust the teens in the house to get their asses moving. They only have a 0.25 mile walk to their HS.
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This is roughly my schedule. I get up around 5:00 AM and, if I'm headed into the office, I don't need to be in there until around 8:30. I usually go for a run or to the gym basically right after I roll out of bed but am usually all done in time to be showered and dressed and back home in time to make sure our high schooler is up and moving by 7:00 and out the door for her 10 minute walk (or 2 minute drive if I'm driving her) to the school. Next year the district plans to push back high school start times 15 minutes which will be really nice.

When she was in 6th and 7th grade, she was so slooooowwww moving and grumpy in the morning but most of 8th grade was pretty good and she's been a breeze now that she's a freshman. Yes, I have to come into her room a couple times to make sure she's actually waking up but I know that going in so we have learned to bake that into our schedules. She's 14 so I understand that she doesn't want to get out of bed but as long as she's not a jerk to me about stuff that needs to be done, I don't mind her being a little slow in the AM.
 
If I work at the office I get up 5-5:15, typically roll into the office at about 6:15 for a 7 am (official) start time. But if I get there early I can leave early ;) The earlier I leave, the lighter the traffic.

For work from home I get up an hour later and typically get to my desk in the family room right at 7 am.
 
Itty Bitty is on the travel track team. This week's meet has a report time of 8am. In a town 2.5hrs away from here. :'( :'( :'( We got a hotel for Saturday night after the meet. But now I am thinking we need one on Friday night as well so we don't have to get up and leave the house at 5am. But we have the dog. And dogs aren't allowed at the track meet.
 
jumbach said:
It's actually a huge pet peeve of mine that people try to pass off pets as "service animals." It's a huge disservice to those who actually need service animals. You* don't need to take FiFi everywhere.

*This is a general "you," not directed to any specific person.
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I completely agree. My comment was made in jest, but may not be read that way. Love my dog be she is not a service animal.
1746640135193.png
 
SlaveToTheGrind said:
I completely agree. My comment was made in jest, but may not be read that way. Love my dog be she is not a service animal.
View attachment 64645
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Yes, I got the jest. I was just agreeing.

We occasionally take our male cockatiel out and about with us (our female wants nothing to do with travel), but only to places where he's welcomed: pet stores and Lowe's, mostly. He has also been to the airport, but only in the pre-security area.
 
dandy_warhol said:
Itty Bitty is on the travel track team. This week's meet has a report time of 8am. In a town 2.5hrs away from here. :'( :'( :'( We got a hotel for Saturday night after the meet. But now I am thinking we need one on Friday night as well so we don't have to get up and leave the house at 5am. But we have the dog. And dogs aren't allowed at the track meet.
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I don't know how people do this. My kid is super athletic and is on the path to be one of those travel sports kids eventually. It's still a few years out. The idea of travelling hours each weekend for sporting events not only encumbers large chunks of precious weekend time, but the cost! $250 hotel rooms, gas, meals out. It all feels like the fast track to bankruptcy.

Crazy that we have normalized this as an expectation for middle class families IMHO.
 
MacheteJames said:
I don't know how people do this. My kid is super athletic and is on the path to be one of those travel sports kids eventually. It's still a few years out. The idea of travelling hours each weekend for sporting events not only encumbers large chunks of precious weekend time, but the cost! $250 hotel rooms, gas, meals out. It all feels like the fast track to bankruptcy.

Crazy that we have normalized this as an expectation for middle class families IMHO.
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This is our first year doing it and might be our last. My husband tried to make me promise that I wouldn't volunteer to coach again next year. I can't imagine how families with more than one child manage and afford it all.
 
dandy_warhol said:
This is our first year doing it and might be our last. My husband tried to make me promise that I wouldn't volunteer to coach again next year. I can't imagine how families with more than one child manage and afford it all.
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Luckily only two of mine are in HS clubs/'sports' - Youngest is in marching band and the middle is in scholastic bowl and debate.

Thankfully, these are both well organized and don't require a bunch of schlepping for my wife and I.
 
Both of my daughters played club/travel volleyball throughout middle and high school. It was expensive, although not as expensive as other travel sports. And time consuming. Very time consuming. There was one winter/spring that we traveled 10 weekends in a row between the two girls.

At the end of the day it came down to did they enjoy it? They absolutely did, so we were willing to sacrifice, and we certainly did not push it on them. My oldest could have played college volleyball but decided against it.

Looking back, I'm happy they had that experience, but DAMN am I enjoying more free time now haha.
 
I tried soccer for two seasons (age 6 and 7) and didn't care for it. But in high school, I was on the cycling, chess, and softball teams. I could run a 6 minute mile, so the track coach wanted me to try for track as well, but with all those sports, plus JROTC, plus girls, plus homework . . . not much time for track. Coach Ryan admired my honesty.

My father and I bonded at the boxing gym on weekends, then did our own household commentary on Showtime fight nights. The school didn't have a boxing team, though. I likely would have been a decent boxer.

(Shouldn't lie. I think girls come first for a high school boy. :) )

Jim
 
DVD said:
If she doesn't care about the place, why should I. She said the brochure was "unimaginative and boring"
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And Balitmore is boring.

She needs to get into Columbia, or NYU, or University of Michigan or University of Chicago or MIT.

In a cool location.

;)
 
Our younger daughter finished 3rd grade last month and had been connected at the hip with another little girl since kindergarten. They had the same class each year and the summer between 1st and 2nd grade they moved from a condo a couple miles away into a house just up the street from us, making them even closer.

Sunday morning, the other little girl moved back to Japan.

We knew the day was coming for years and had an exact date for a couple of months but it was still rough. They got to see each other nearly everyday since school got out and our daughter handled it pretty well but the other girl was having a visibly hard time with it. They moved out of their house in the middle of last week and had been staying at a hotel but they were still around doing cleaning and stuff nearly everyday. On Saturday evening the dad drove the little girl around to the houses of all the friends she had made so she could give one more quick surprise goodbye. I'm not gonna lie and say I didn't get a little choked up.
 
I get to brag as my kid gets college recruitment fliers. Yesterday she got the package from Harvard. She is thinking something fun for undergrad in the liberal arts fields then on to law school. The other daughter I get to help pay rent because I can't convince her a job at Little Cesars is going to cut it.
 
DVD said:
I get to brag as my kid gets college recruitment fliers. Yesterday she got the package from Harvard. She is thinking something fun for undergrad in the liberal arts fields then on to law school. The other daughter I get to help pay rent because I can't convince her a job at Little Cesars is going to cut it.
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That is some major dichotomy there my friend.

Genetics and nurture are so wildly diverse and divergent.

Same gene pool and rearing...wildly different outcomes.
 
Planit said:
^^^That's so cool.

You might be headed to Japan for a visit in a few years,
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It's definitely something that's on our radar.

I lived on Okinawa for just over a year and though the family is from the Tokyo area, the dad's family has a vacation home on Okinawa so they actually go there a few times each year. I've been wanting to get back there to see how much it's changed since I was there in the '90s so maybe we'll have another reason to go.

My wife is also already kicking around the idea of hosting the Japanese girl as an exchange student once they're in high school if she should want to come back here for a few months or something.
 
WSU MUP Student said:
I lived on Okinawa for just over a year and though the family is from the Tokyo area, the dad's family has a vacation home on Okinawa so they actually go there a few times each year. I've been wanting to get back there to see how much it's changed since I was there in the '90s so maybe we'll have another reason to go.
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I can't recommend it. You probably have positive associations with your time there. I just Google drove around Kinser like a year or so ago and was crushed at how much had been removed and replaced. What you remember is largely gone. I had a hard time recognizing ANY familiar places 40 years after having left there. It's just ghosts and memories now. It'll be kind of sad is what I'm getting at. Bittersweet is an overrated emotion. The place remains golden and beloved in your memory. You should preserve it there.
 
Our oldest is at a drama camp this week and next being hosted by the fancy private school near our 'hood. They have an outdoor Greek-style amphitheatre where they do most of their work/rehearsals. It's drizzly this morning so she's probably going to get a bit wet (though the theatre has a lot of thick tree canopy over it). Based on her reaction when we suggested she wear a raincoat or at least take a change of shirt/socks in her bag you'd think we woke her up today by coming into her room and punching her in the throat! :r:
 
WSU MUP Student said:
Our oldest is at a drama camp this week and next being hosted by the fancy private school near our 'hood. They have an outdoor Greek-style amphitheatre where they do most of their work/rehearsals. It's drizzly this morning so she's probably going to get a bit wet (though the theatre has a lot of thick tree canopy over it). Based on her reaction when we suggested she wear a raincoat or at least take a change of shirt/socks in her bag you'd think we woke her up today by coming into her room and punching her in the throat! :r:
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Welp...good time to learn a valuable lesson on preparation. She's at the age now where she needs to start figuring it out herself.

This begins you and your wife's slow letting go of managing her and her learning the starting lessons of running one's adult life.

Luke Skywalker Salute GIF by Star Wars
 
My wife said our daughter did end up taking an extra shirt to camp but still refused anything else. It had pretty much stopped raining by the time she got dropped off but then she got out of the car and immediately sat down on a wet, mossy, stone wall to wait for a couple of her friends. :facepalm:
 
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