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Family šŸ‘Ŗ What will you never forgive your parents for?

The Terminator

The Terminator

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In August of 1991, Paul Simon played a free concert in Central Park. I dont like Paul as a person (Mr. Thumb his nose at the Anti-Aparthied movement look at me im friends with Chevy Chase!) but I quite enjoy his solo career catalog.

My dad had yuppie work friends who definitely were there and I think my Uncle Bob also went. I conveniently was born in April 1991, and would have FLIPPED To have seen "Rhythm of the Saints" era Paul live.

They also wouldn't get me a Dreamcast in 1999, oh no so tragic, what a horrible deprived childhood!

Ill never forgive em dog gone it!!

What are some parental traumas you will never get over?
 
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Never telling me I had ADHD, until I was diagnosed in my 30s and told them about it. "Oh, we know. Dr. Hanaford diagnosed you when you were seven years old." I was prescribed Ritalin, and it worked ... too well. I didn't turn into a zombie, but so many of those ADHD symptoms that were holding me back in so many ways were alleviated. However, my parents decided they liked the "old Danny" better, so they stopped the meds. They stopped treatment for a selfish reason, not for what was in my best interest.

I always felt like I was on the outside looking in; like there was something wrong with me, but nobody would tell me what it was. I only realized after reading a newsaper article about ADHD, and thought "holy shit, that's ME!" I got a formal diagnosis a couple weeks later.

If they had, I would have made it so much further in life; I wouldn't have been crippled by awkwardness and brain fog for so long. I might have realized all that "potential" people said I had.

The other thing: my parents really infantilized me. They didn't really believe in me; that I could make sound decisions by myself. They were very protective, but it had the result of ny never really feeling like a "real grownup". I second-guess every decision I make to this day. CBT and DBT helps, but it'll take years to untangle the wiring of my brain and get something more organized in its place; something that will make me feel more confident..
 
While there are things that I disagreed with my parents on, and still disagree with my dad on today (mom passed away around 16 years ago), I don't think there is anything that I would say that I haven't forgiven my parents on. Not because they did something different, but because I realize that it isn't worth the grudge.

There are still several things that I don't agree with my dad on today and we have arguments about those, but he is who he is and there is nothing that I can do to change that.
 
I'm not quite grasping how TT won't forgive his parents for not taking him to a concert when he was 4 months old, but whatever. . . . .

I can't think of anything that I haven't forgiven my parents for. I had disagreements like everyone of course but that's life.
 
No substantive complaints about my parents. Never got the Nike Cortez shoes, or Izod/Polo shirts that were in style, even though my parents had adequate finances. Parents never spent outlandishly. They have have since moved that needle some in the years they have been retired. Pension alone, my dad gets $8k a month. They made good money in their careers (teacher>businessman and a nurse) so I never lacked for much. But they were more a penny pincher and to a point, still are.. They visited a few months ago and stayed in a local hotel. The one next to where they stayed was much better - 1996 vs 2021 - and a few dollars more. I suggested this to them and they said why, only sleeping there so why pay more.

Get back to me once they pass and I see the will. Supposedly we are all in at 25% but with their faith, and mine which does no match theirs (which I don't think they know) who knows.
 
My parents did the best they could, and were good parents.

I'm not going back in time to uncover things they did that made me unhappy, angry or disappointed. It's not worth my energy.
 
MD Planner said:
I'm not quite grasping how TT won't forgive his parents for not taking him to a concert when he was 4 months old, but whatever. . . . .

I can't think of anything that I haven't forgiven my parents for. I had disagreements like everyone of course but that's life.
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Because I am being tongue-in-cheek, I thought it was obvious lol

4 month old me would have been chillin' backstage with Paul & Chevy Chase.
 
Any self esteem issues I have stem from my dad telling me I can't because [insert reason]. Usually I'm not smart enough or I have no experience with that. I'm a kid, of course I have no experience with that. That's what I'm trying to learn. I'm much better now, but there is always self doubt in the back of my mind.
 
Both of my mine were rather deficient in some areas as parents, but the same is true of me and my wife. I'm pretty sure the same was true of my grandparents and their parents as well.

You know, good parenting is a human skill that's in very short supply. "Good parents" are the exception, not the rule in my experiences.
 
We joked when we left the hospital with The Girl that they didn't give us a handbook on child raising - all they said was here's your kid, bye.


Dad didn't take care of himself & passed 32 years ago.
 
On the reverse, I said something to my son (19) a few weeks ago I'm sure he will never forget. I did apologize the next day but what was said was said. Was I wrong? Yes. Did he deserve it? Absolutely. We have butted heads more than I care for. I see a lot of me in him, which is the problem.
 
We went white water rafting as a family, including older sibs, when I was 8ish. I freaked out when I fell out of the boat and they kept floating away. They all thought it was pretty funny. I wonder where my fear of abandonment comes from.
 
I'll never forgive them for making me awesome!

meme_RonBurgundy_Imabig deal.jpg


:cool: :brofist: ;)
 
I used to have an exhaustive list, distilled through 15 years of therapy and reflection, but have since placed those in a different part of my psyche. Since becoming a parent myself, I can only pay it forward. Knowing more of my parents' histories and struggles, I can see where they fell short in some things, but I have since forgiven these indiscretions and moved away from victimhood. The only thing I can control is me... and my approach to the world.

That being said, I really wanted to see Home Alone 2 in the theater and thought my mom's denial of that in the morning was a hair trigger response to me just being a 10 year old.
 
zman said:
I used to have an exhaustive list, distilled through 15 years of therapy and reflection, but have since placed those in a different part of my psyche. Since becoming a parent myself, I can only pay it forward. Knowing more of my parents' histories and struggles, I can see where they fell short in some things, but I have since forgiven these indiscretions and moved away from victimhood. The only thing I can control is me... and my approach to the world.
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If I didn't know any better I'd say it sounds like someone has adopted stoicism as a personal philosophy. Marcus Aurelius gives you two thumbs up!

Rise Up Time GIF by Stoicism
 
zman said:
I used to have an exhaustive list, distilled through 15 years of therapy and reflection, but have since placed those in a different part of my psyche. Since becoming a parent myself, I can only pay it forward. Knowing more of my parents' histories and struggles, I can see where they fell short in some things, but I have since forgiven these indiscretions and moved away from victimhood. The only thing I can control is me... and my approach to the world.

That being said, I really wanted to see Home Alone 2 in the theater and thought my mom's denial of that in the morning was a hair trigger response to me just being a 10 year old.
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In one Vonnegut novel, (I forget which one), the story included a law that children could sue their parents for doing a lousy job.
 
My mom let me go see Invasion of the Body Snatchers in the theater with my older brother and his friends when I was six years old. Nightmare fuel for five years, I would lay in bed every night frightened and wishing and hoping there wasnā€™t a pod under my bed. Every. Single. Night.

IMG_0813.jpeg


IMG_0811.jpeg
 
I will never forgive my mom for her recipe for "unadorned chicken breast baked in a Pyrex dish at 350 until dry and woody" as a weekly dinner item when I was growing up, though I appreciate that also i never died of Salmonella.

She once caught me using a swig of my milk to try to get the chicken down and I got in trouble for that.

Oh, and margarine, no butter in the house, ever. The weirder the brand the better. Unforgivable. (Promise was the worst, I think it was made with mostly rice starch?) I used to hoard butter packets from the rare occasions we'd go out to eat.
 
Faust_Motel said:
She once caught me using a swig of my milk to try to get the chicken down and I got in trouble for that.
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Uh...what the what!?

;)

My mom was just not that great of a cook, but my parents also didn't force me when I was unwilling to eat something. I was a very picky eater and if I didn't eat what was served I was told, starting at about 7, that you have to stay at this meal and be with family, but you need to make your own food afterwards. They were good with having at a selection of the categorical food items I would eat. I actually appreciate this parenting method/philosophy.
 
Okay, I just remembered. Mom made a TunaHelper meal for dinner one night. We all refused to eat it after a couple bites & told her that was unforgiveable.
 
highjacking this thread - switching it to what are you thankful for
I am thankful my parents
  • never had plastic/vinyl on furniture
  • gifted me a Sunfish sailboat one Christmas.
  • never had bunkbeds where I had to share with brother.

Thankful my father went with me on Scout trips, particulary our troop summer canoe trip in Canada.
Thankful my Mother thought it was ok I drove from NJ to Utah for college. Would your or you as a parent have thought that was ok ?
 
JNA said:
highjacking this thread - switching it to what are you thankful for
I am thankful my parents
  • never had plastic/vinyl on furniture
  • gifted me a Sunfish sailboat one Christmas.
  • never had bunkbeds where I had to share with brother.

Thankful my father went with me on Scout trips, particulary our troop summer canoe trip in Canada.
Thankful my Mother thought it was ok I drove from NJ to Utah for college. Would your or you as a parent have thought that was ok ?
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I am thankful that in 2005, my parents stopped trying to censor my music and radio.

I am thankful they provided me with a gorgeous cat companion to grow up with and that they helped support most of my education.
 
Faust_Motel said:
I will never forgive my mom for her recipe for "unadorned chicken breast baked in a Pyrex dish at 350 until dry and woody" as a weekly dinner item when I was growing up, though I appreciate that also i never died of Salmonella.

She once caught me using a swig of my milk to try to get the chicken down and I got in trouble for that.

Oh, and margarine, no butter in the house, ever. The weirder the brand the better. Unforgivable. (Promise was the worst, I think it was made with mostly rice starch?) I used to hoard butter packets from the rare occasions we'd go out to eat.
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Are we related?

lol

yeah my mom wasn't a good cook

I have been thinking about this thread a lot, and I am mostly in the camp that they did their best given their circumstances - growing up in the 70's was a blast

My parents were unreasonably strict, though - but would I have turned out differently if they were more lenient?

My mom could be harsh and blunt at times, and some interactions haunt my memories to this day that haven't helped my self-esteem, but is it unforgivable? I am not sure I would go there - I think my Mom was bitter about giving up a career as a biochemist because that's what you did when you got married- in today's world, she would have had a more fulfilling life
 
Never once asking me "How are you doing?"

I was often not doing well during my middle school and high school years, and I haven't been able to forgive them for this.

I knew I was loved, absolutely, but to not have an outlet to talk to someone about stuff really sucked. I sort of did with my older brother and that certainly helped. But I guess it ultimately molded me into being a better parent in terms of being emotionally in tune with my daughters.
 
The only thing I am still bitter about from my younger yearsā€”and still in therapy forā€”is the person my now-wife was renting an ADU from back in 2003 (before ADUā€™s were really a thing). I should mention the functions were near where my now-wife lived, and I lived a good 30-40 minutes away. My parents also lived nearby. It was a Sunday afternoon, and we had a few hours between functions, so I casually mentioned to the landlady that I ā€œam going to go to my parentsā€™ house for a while.ā€ Landlady freaked out, saying, ā€œNO, YOU ARE NOT!! YOU DONā€™T JUST INVITE YOURSELF TO SOMEONEā€™S HOUSE!! YOU WILL EITHER STAY HERE WITH DIONE OR YOU WILL GO BACK TO YOUR OWN HOUSE!!! I DONā€™T CARE WHICH, BUT YOU DO NOT JUST RANDOMLY DROP IN ON PEOPLE!ā€

I was pissed. Since Dione wanted a nap, I figured I would be redundant so I made the long trek back to my own place, only to have to come back a couple hours laterā€”over an hour round trip, and requiring another later in the day.

I was always welcome at my parentsā€™ house. They had an open door policy for all their kids. (And we frequently visited.) My thinking was that going and seeing Mom and Dad and helping redo the bathroom was a good use of a Sunday afternoon. In fact, my father was quite puzzled when I abruptedly called him and said that I would not be allowed to visit.

A few days later, Landlady apologized, explaining that she had no right to tell me what I can and canā€™t do away from her property. But by then, the damage was done: that was the ONE and only time my father ever did anything resembling construction, and I permanently lost the chance to help him with some framing. He has since passed away. And if going to see my parents an option, why didnā€™t she just say so? She gave me two choices, neither of which was what I wanted to do. It seems like going to see Mom and Dad would have solved the problem of giving Landlady some space, and letting Dione take a nap, without any inconvenience for me. And I would have gotten a free lunch.

I know she apologized, and my wife was also so upset by it she gave notice and moved out, and refuses to talk about that person to this day, but I still would love to know why going to my parentsā€™ house was not an option, when it was something I had been doing almost every Sunday for years. To this day, itā€™s the #1 source or discussion with my therapist. I have also quietly started a ā€œhidden option Cā€ policyā€”if someone gives me a choice of ā€œAā€ or ā€œB,ā€ but there is a third option that I think will satisfy both parties, I just discreetly do that instead. (Shh.)

I have thought about trying to track Landlady down and ask why I couldn't go see my parents (I did find her--she now lives in South Carolina, but I haven't made contact). My therapist has told me not to, so I haven't yet. But I still want that closure . . .

I really wish I had just said, "Oh, yeah? F**k you. Try to stop me." I tend to be way too nice sometimes, even at my own expense.
 
Hmm. My father was suffering from undiagnosed PTSD, though he would have known it as shellshock. It was also never diagnosed, but I'm certain he was on the autism spectrum, as well. Strongly introverted, socially unskilled. For a good part of my life at home, he self-medicated and could be violently angry, though he never laid a hand on his kids or his wife.

For my own sanity I have forgiven him, but I'll never forget.
 
I joke with my dad that I can't forgive him for not buying the 300 acres next door to us. It was going to be a $100,000 in the mid-1980s. My grandfather told him it would never be worth that much. Land is now going for $100,000 - 200,000 an acre on the street.

In all seriousness, my parents were not extremely affectionate and it was easy to get lost in a big and busy family. Both had their reasons. Mom's family was a disaster (abuse, mental disorders, and trauma from the loss of her sister as a teen) and dad had significant PTSD from Vietnam. I didn't know either until much later. We do better now, but all of my siblings are spread to the wind. We chat a couple of times a year, but I don't think I could ask for a kidney from any of them. My parents were present for the big stuff but let me figure things out on my own.
 
SlaveToTheGrind said:
I'll never forgive my parents for not kicking in a a 7 figure amount to add to my $1000 to buy a mountain retreat property.
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My parents did for us the same thing they did for my siblings: match our house down payment, plus pay closing costs. That made a HUGE dent in our monthly mortgage payment. But we pay the mortgage as though the extra match did not happen, and also pretend it's a 15-year and not a 30-year. So we should have it paid off in 2027. (We bought it in 2013.)
 
Thankful for who my father was & the respect he had - because my college summer job was nepotism even after he passed away years before.
Thankful for my parents for buying & keeping the Long Beach Island NJ beach house for 45 years.

Would your parents have driven cross county round trip with 4 kids ? what a summer adventure.
 
My momā€¦nothing. I was blessed with a wonderful mother. We werenā€™t blessed with abundance but there was always a good meal with a plate for anyone who showed up, warm hugs, a good ear for listening, and quiet encouragement. I attribute this from doing the exact opposite of her childhood: being surrendered to an orphanage at age 3 during WW2, adopted by an abusive older single woman who was a doctor (she had her own childhood traumas), and placed into foster care at age 16. Itā€™s a wonder that she was a functional adult capable of being a nurturing parent. My childhood friends loved my mother.

My father had much to be desired for in the fatherly department. My parents divorced when I was 3. He was a functional alcoholic. The times he was sober he was a great dad, unfortunately that wasnā€™t often. My mom shielded me from most of it so I was exposed to very little.

Obviously Iā€™ve done much better financially than my mom, but Iā€™ve parented my kids in much the same way with enhanced opportunities like travel, going to arts/cultural events, etc. My oldest generally comes over every other weekend to hang out with me and her younger sister, the oldestā€™s boyfriend of many years calls me Mom and his mother by her first name because I show up to everything, my youngestā€™s friends all call me Universal Mom-they know they can call/text me and come over any time, thereā€™s always room at my table, and Iā€™m happy to keep them overnight if something is brewing at home.

Iā€™ve always thought of myself as a reluctant mother, neither of my kids were planned but Iā€™m glad I have them. They make me a better person and I had a good example to follow.
 
I have a complex relationship with my parents. Still do. Lot's of stuff that goes unsaid/undiscussed.

My mom was going through some stuff when I was in elementary/middle school related to clinical depression, including a "cry for help" suicide attempt that to this day they don't know that I know about. The result is that my parents were distracted with that and essentially emotionally inaccessible for things that were going pretty bad in my life at the time (a friend's suicide, for example). It resulted in me having some really, really unhealthy habits for processing emotions/relationships that continues to influence my engagement with therapists. For the record, I think every single human would benefit from at least a few appointments with a therapist. The conservative evangelical church upbringing did some significant damage as well. All of this together makes me very slow to trust people, and it hasn't served me particularly well in terms of forming relationships beyond my spouse. But it also is a big part of my class clown personality--it was my pathway to attention at home to try to make them feel better, and the best way for me to hide my feelings and actually keep people at a distance without seeming like a sociopath.

But it doesn't mean I have an issue with forgiveness. I understand what happened and why, and how their own upbringings shaped them. I can say they screwed me up less than their parents screwed them up. It is just a part of my history.
 
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Despite my stoic efforts, I am now drained from my parents' visit (they are still at my place this morning and I will drive them to the airport at 11. My kids are reclusive around them. We had a good time at my son's school ply Saturday night, but despite that, my usual nervous system dysregulation has crept in and I just want my space back.
I had a mini intervention with them in 2024, mainly talking about their behavior, the fact that I and my family did not want to stay with them when we visit, and that they need to work on things together (counseling, couples counseling, moms alcoholism, etc.). Realized last night that nothing has really changed. Over the last couple years, I thought mainly it was my ex-wife reaction to them and my coping mechanism of absorbing energy to protect those around me.

Is it a typical "we wouldn't hang out with you except for the fact that you're family?" Maybe.
Do I feel I owe them time simply because of family lineage? Maybe.
Do they feel entitled to my time and my kids? Yes, on a non-empathetic selfish level.
Do I need to list the things I dont like and wont accept in an environment around my kids? I spent much of the night lying awake thinking about this.

While I can empathize with people's struggles and accept them for their journey, there is also the mindset on protecting my peace, energy, and lifestyle too. Set the standard and express my concerns and desires.

At this point, I don't want to fly my kids to Colorado for spring break, even if Dad pays for the airfare.
 
Real talk I was probably dealing with some level of ADHD starting in High School and definitely anxiety/depression starting in college. But I was the firstborn and expected to not "need" anything from my parents- that was how I maintained my "good son" status in the family. I think they were pretty overwhelmed -by lots of stuff- but certainly the economic anxiety of needing to be two working parents in a rural place that lacked reliable childcare- and the best I could do throughout childhood was be quiet and go along. That pattern continued into young adulthood when I really could have benefitted from feeling like I could ask for help.

I agree with @Suburb Repairman. About when you stop seeing your pediatrician and get a first appointment with a regular doctor, I think everybody should have an appointment or two with a therapist just to check in. I could have used it easily 10-15 years before I started.
 
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