• Cyburbia is a friendly big tent, where we share our experiences and thoughts about urban planning practice, the built environment, planning adjacent topics, and anything else that comes to mind. No ads, no spam, and it's free. It's easy to join!

NEVERENDING ♾️ The NEVERENDING Raising Children Thread

TOFB said:
I'd kill to have two high school seniors versus two college students.
Click to expand...

I'm already worrying about the cost of weddings for two daughters. Maybe I can bribe them to go elope on some island somewhere when the time comes.;)
 
OK, I have six children (all one wife, all mine :) ). My wife and I met when we were young and wanted a big family. Last night when I got home from work, in addition to my six there were another 17 kids, ranging in age from 15 (my oldest daughter) to 5. Eating hot dogs on my front porch and just generally being kids in the summer. My wife says "I don't really know how this happened...". So we instituted a game of kick-the-can. They played until about 10 and then dispersed. I think it was probably the best kick-the-can that's been played in that neighborhood since 1979. So the house looks a lot like ground zero today, but I think we'll recover...
 
ursus said:
OK, I have six children (all one wife, all mine :) ). My wife and I met when we were young and wanted a big family. Last night when I got home from work, in addition to my six there were another 17 kids, ranging in age from 15 (my oldest daughter) to 5. Eating hot dogs on my front porch and just generally being kids in the summer. My wife says "I don't really know how this happened...". So we instituted a game of kick-the-can. They played until about 10 and then dispersed. I think it was probably the best kick-the-can that's been played in that neighborhood since 1979. So the house looks a lot like ground zero today, but I think we'll recover...
Click to expand...

Sounds like a great night and from the times I was a little kid on a summer evening. Thousand times better than playing video games and sitting in front of the tube. I am encouraged by the number of little kids I see running around outside in the evening at the new place.
 
Same group gets together last night - this time it's "steal the flag"...and the group congealed around one of the other kid's home three houses up (hooray!).

New topic: I'm not supposed to understand my 15 year old daughter, am I? I want to feel a connection that I think we've lost somewhere along the way. I think I just play it by ear and make the most of it when we are talking and communicating and try not to go to nuts when she's a little "snotty" about things. I worry about respect and all that, I just don't think that "snottiness" is all that indicative of anything but being 15 at this point. If I'm wrong, please help me re-chart this course cuz if she doesn't have a great life it will just kill me. I love the little snit, you know?
 
ursus said:
Same group gets together last night - this time it's "steal the flag"...and the group congealed around one of the other kid's home three houses up (hooray!).

New topic: I'm not supposed to understand my 15 year old daughter, am I? I want to feel a connection that I think we've lost somewhere along the way. I think I just play it by ear and make the most of it when we are talking and communicating and try not to go to nuts when she's a little "snotty" about things. I worry about respect and all that, I just don't think that "snottiness" is all that indicative of anything but being 15 at this point. If I'm wrong, please help me re-chart this course cuz if she doesn't have a great life it will just kill me. I love the little snit, you know?
Click to expand...

My Resident Teenager is 16 closing in on 17. 15 was a bit of a rough year but the last year has been pretty good...she was snotty too but got over herself. Main thing is to keep the lines of communication open, they usually come back around. There are a few others here that have survived teenage girls too so I am sure they can chime in!
 
ursus said:
New topic: I'm not supposed to understand my 15 year old daughter, am I? I want to feel a connection that I think we've lost somewhere along the way. I think I just play it by ear and make the most of it when we are talking and communicating and try not to go to nuts when she's a little "snotty" about things. I worry about respect and all that, I just don't think that "snottiness" is all that indicative of anything but being 15 at this point. If I'm wrong, please help me re-chart this course cuz if she doesn't have a great life it will just kill me. I love the little snit, you know?
Click to expand...

I don't have a teenaged kid yet, though I witnessed the horror of my niece and nephew. A friend once said to me that she considered adolescence to be a form of "temporary insanity" which, although comical, may have some truth to it. The extreme mood swings, the intense brain and body development going on. All that can set things a little off balance.

I think this was a way for her to feel not so personally stung by her daughter's behavior, but it also helped her stop trying to "understand" everything the kid was saying. Just as younger kids throw fits and say things to hurt their parents in the heat of the moment (my 4 year old daughter told me just yesterday that I didn't care what happened to her and that I was mean and she didn't want to be my friend anymore), so do the teenagers. Its just they are older, it seems they should know better, their comments hurts that much more and the repercussions of a bad decision seem potentially so much worse.

Our oldest is about to turn 10 and he is experiencing some bully-ish intimidation at camp. A 12 year old who thinks he is too cool for school keeps picking on him and making fun of him, essentially because he is younger. The kid has a seriously bad attitude, but watching the innocence in my son melt away into the harsh reality that some people are just mean and that the world in general is a tough place is a hard pill for me to swallow.

Oh, the terrible beauty...
 
ursus said:
Same group gets together last night - this time it's "steal the flag"...and the group congealed around one of the other kid's home three houses up (hooray!).

New topic: I'm not supposed to understand my 15 year old daughter, am I? I want to feel a connection that I think we've lost somewhere along the way. I think I just play it by ear and make the most of it when we are talking and communicating and try not to go to nuts when she's a little "snotty" about things. I worry about respect and all that, I just don't think that "snottiness" is all that indicative of anything but being 15 at this point. If I'm wrong, please help me re-chart this course cuz if she doesn't have a great life it will just kill me. I love the little snit, you know?
Click to expand...

I went through this with my daughter, who turns 20 next month. The snotty phase didn't last as long as I thought it would, and now we have a good relationship. Do what you're doing; don't take anything too personally and relish the moments when you do get along. It's temporary.

I'm glad that you have the house where the kids congregate. That says a lot about your parenting style.
 
ofos said:
Now if you have the house where kids conjugate, that's another matter entirely. ;)
Click to expand...

Oh, we don't worry about even that too much...I'm not much for talking but we're always glad to have the kids down at the house, using their verbs properly. :)
 
ursus said:
Oh, we don't worry about even that too much...I'm not much for talking but we're always glad to have the kids down at the house, using their verbs properly. :)
Click to expand...

and he says it again - snicker snicker

I have spent the last year mediating between my 17 yo daughter and her father and I am so sick of it
 
I am raising a TANK. Nearly 10 months old and I installed a larger car seat already...
 
Looking forward to spending time (1 week) with my niece (12 y.o.) and nephew (9 y.o.)
Had not seen them since X-mas.
 
Last edited:
luckless pedestrian said:
and he says it again - snicker snicker

I have spent the last year mediating between my 17 yo daughter and her father and I am so sick of it
Click to expand...

But if you speak both languages you're kind of socially obligated, don't you think? ;)

Part of what freaks me out I think is how much cooler than me my daughter is...I was so...I don't know, mapp-y and interested in the currents of the world's oceans and "Planet of the Apes" and she's downstairs practicing her electric guitar, you know?

zmanPLAN said:
I am raising a TANK. Nearly 10 months old and I installed a larger car seat already...
Click to expand...

One day soon he'll protect you from thugs in a parking lot! My youngest son was quite a "tank" too. Not so much now. My wife calls him "The Big Handsome".
 
Last edited by a moderator:
ursus, it is normal and 14 and 15 are the worst. After that they get more freedom and are gone more. Things calm a bit after that until they are ready to actually leave. We have one that is about to go. I told my husband yesterday that she ranges between barely tolerable to I can't wait until she leaves. My house will be so much better once she is on her way. Her younger sister just hates her behavior. So I don't think we will get that from her. She has never even been snotty. Her sister has done it all.

There is also the fact that you just get tired of it all. Then the next ones get by with more.
 
GIRLS! I appreciate all the advice, it helps me keep things in perspective.

I think my 15 yr old has met her match with my 11 yr old (who I call "Madam President"). The exchange went something like this:

15 yrs: "Where's my i-pod? (looks at 11 yr old) If you touched it I'll..."

11 yrs: "You'll what? Pursue me no matter where I run? Hunt me down and make me pay? I think we all know you don't have it in you..."

15 yrs: (sputtering, lunging forward - blood in eyes)

11yrs: (wisely stops discourse and runs like hell)

I need to run a video camera at all times in this house...keeping Madam President alive long enough to see her reach her potential is going to be a problem....
 
Looking through a Father's eyes, my son is the most handsome lad ever.

However, I am noticing that there are a lot of UGLY babies out there. Even yesterday, my wife posted a new photo of ZLad on "board of kids" at her office. Twice she had people say (in secretive confidence) that he is the cutest baby there.

I mean: what can you say about a guy like this?

34160_1475025588490_1019214902_1356012_3277392_n.jpg
 
Disciplinary 'drift'

Every parent I've ever heard talk about it that's had several children admits they get progressively more lax with discipline with each passing child. Why is that? Is it a matter of getting tired of fighting/dispensing discipline? or is it a matter of recognizing the limitations of discipline? or is it a realization of its ultimate futility?
 
Maister said:
Every parent I've ever heard talk about it that's had several children admits they get progressively more lax with discipline with each passing child. Why is that? Is it a matter of getting tired of fighting/dispensing discipline? or is it a matter of recognizing the limitations of discipline? or is it a realization of its ultimate futility?
Click to expand...

All of the above I presume. I only have one so it sucks to be her :)
 
Maister said:
Every parent I've ever heard talk about it that's had several children admits they get progressively more lax with discipline with each passing child. Why is that? Is it a matter of getting tired of fighting/dispensing discipline? or is it a matter of recognizing the limitations of discipline? or is it a realization of its ultimate futility?
Click to expand...

My parents had five. I was the youngest and always thought that discipline was pretty lax around our house but I don't recall ever needing any real or severe discipline. My older siblings all say that I had it so much better than they did, yet they can never elaborate as to why or how it was actually any worse for them. I think that my parents just happened to never be real disciplinarians at all.
 
Maister said:
Every parent I've ever heard talk about it that's had several children admits they get progressively more lax with discipline with each passing child. Why is that? Is it a matter of getting tired of fighting/dispensing discipline? or is it a matter of recognizing the limitations of discipline? or is it a realization of its ultimate futility?
Click to expand...

My take on it is both the challenges of keeping up with the little degenerates gets more challenging as the numbers mount. But more specifically, I find that my younger gets introduced to things much sooner than the older one did. Consider that you can fool your only child into thinking sugar doesn't exist for a good many years, or that the ice cream truck is just the "music van" that plays tunes for the neighborhood. Maybe they get no peanut butter until they are 5 or never really know what delights the TV has been hiding from them all of these years.

Fast forward a few years and more children later and you find yourself in one of these situations: the older child wants to have a piece of gum, or some chocolate, or to watch something on TV. Now, they are old enough where you think they can handle some of these evils of modern life. But what do you tell the younger one? Do you really think you can keep them from encountering these things until they are 5 like you did the older one? Not a chance. They are right there with the older one asking "yeah, can we light a fire in the backyard?"

Today its gum, tomorrow it will be a bb gun. The younger ones just grow up faster in many ways (and the lack of discipline is part of it - they have seen what the older ones do to get away with things and start exercising those strategies at a much younger age.)

And yet, at the same time, the youngest will always be the baby. Maybe that has something to do with the lax discipline, too. The same way grandparents spoil grandkids, so too do parents with lots of kids spoil the youngest. Maybe because there is more distance between the two or maybe because they know this will be the last chance to coddle. Until the grandchildren come, that is.
 
Granted, my daughters are only 4 and 7, but I make a conscience effort to discipline them the same. It hasn't been too difficult, but they both have similar temperaments so the same strategies have worked.

The difficult thing for me is being the judge when the issue is between the two of them. It's difficult to know who really did what, who started it, who was the instigator. I usually find myself disciplining both of them, maybe one slightly less than the other based on my investigative skills. :D
 
I guess I get "Loser Mom of the Month" award. My kid emerges from his stinking room twice a week to go to GEd classes and otherwise seems non-existent. He has 9 days to go to get his internal clock back on "normal" time to spend most of a week hunting and fishing with his cousin down in central FL.
 
Zoning Goddess said:
I guess I get "Loser Mom of the Month" award. My kid emerges from his stinking room twice a week to go to GEd classes and otherwise seems non-existent. He has 9 days to go to get his internal clock back on "normal" time to spend most of a week hunting and fishing with his cousin down in central FL.
Click to expand...

Well at least he's going to GED classes. Does he have any interest in anything beyond that?
 
wahday said:
My take on it is both the challenges of keeping up with the little degenerates gets more challenging as the numbers mount. But more specifically, I find that my younger gets introduced to things much sooner than the older one did. Consider that you can fool your only child into thinking sugar doesn't exist for a good many years, or that the ice cream truck is just the "music van" that plays tunes for the neighborhood....
Click to expand...

If the ice cream truck ever decides to make our street a permanent part of their route, I will have to remember that one once our daughter arrives. :lmao:
 
ursus said:
GIRLS! I appreciate all the advice, it helps me keep things in perspective.

I think my 15 yr old has met her match with my 11 yr old (who I call "Madam President"). The exchange went something like this:

15 yrs: "Where's my i-pod? (looks at 11 yr old) If you touched it I'll..."

11 yrs: "You'll what? Pursue me no matter where I run? Hunt me down and make me pay? I think we all know you don't have it in you..."

15 yrs: (sputtering, lunging forward - blood in eyes)

11yrs: (wisely stops discourse and runs like hell)

I need to run a video camera at all times in this house...keeping Madam President alive long enough to see her reach her potential is going to be a problem....
Click to expand...

OMG that is funny, Mdme Prez has my vote in 2034!

We're entering phase snotty with my 14to, touchy touchy, Dr. Dobson actually has great advice for parents of teenagers.
 
Dr Dobson

Good luck with the 14 yr old. I have to confess I'm not familiar with Dr. Dobson. Radio? Books? Where do I look? Wait, I'm stupid...I'll use this new-fangled computer and google it. Thanks for the info Jen. I'll let the prez know she can count on your vote...
 
ursus said:
Good luck with the 14 yr old. I have to confess I'm not familiar with Dr. Dobson. Radio? Books? Where do I look? Wait, I'm stupid...I'll use this new-fangled computer and google it. Thanks for the info Jen. I'll let the prez know she can count on your vote...
Click to expand...

He was the man behind Focus on the Family which was a radio show about parenting and family life mostly broadcast on Christian radio stations and the author of numerous books. I can't say much about his parenting advice, I just know that I am not going to take it from a homophobic bigot that lies to right of Sarah Palin on the political spectrum.
 
kjelsadek said:
He was the man behind Focus on the Family which was a radio show about parenting and family life mostly broadcast on Christian radio stations and the author of numerous books. I can't say much about his parenting advice, I just know that I am not going to take it from a homophobic bigot that lies to right of Sarah Palin on the political spectrum.
Click to expand...

Make that two of us.
 
Dobson is a very conservative Christian (I am not) yet he has newspaper column that for the most part takes a gentle, firm, yet forgiving tone when dealing with kids. he talks a lot about letting stuff roll off, don't fuss about the hair, moods, or voice. Basic practical advice, family centered, not so much parent or kid centered. And IIRC he personally has admitted a change in view regarding monogamous homosexual relationships. But he's pretty much retired anyway. hardly an influence anymore which is too bad...

My kids have been away at camp all week, they come home tomorrow - it's been bliss!
 
kjelsadek said:
Well at least he's going to GED classes. Does he have any interest in anything beyond that?
Click to expand...

Yeah, pissing me off. I have non-refundable reservations at a hotel in town while he will presumably be off hunting and fishing (altho" i think that's negotiable since I'm a good customer) and I've been bugging him for weeks to clean up his room and bag up all the clothes he will never wear again so I can clean them and haul them to Goodwill. And I don't need RJ opening that door and stroking out, or calling me about it. He has a mid-afternoon deadline tomorrow to get his s*it together or no trip. Since I"m having major vertigo problem and Mr "Dont' f*cking tell me what to do" is 17 with NO license and can't help me drive, yeah, I think I have an argument for cancelling. I guess I sound bitter. Oh well.

He wants to be a film/video editor. Without going to school. Sure. Our community college and adult h.s. both offer degrees. He has to pick one or the other or he'll be living at the Rescue Mission when he turns 18.
 
Zoning Goddess said:
Yeah, pissing me off. I have non-refundable reservations at a hotel in town while he will presumably be off hunting and fishing (altho" i think that's negotiable since I'm a good customer) and I've been bugging him for weeks to clean up his room and bag up all the clothes he will never wear again so I can clean them and haul them to Goodwill. And I don't need RJ opening that door and stroking out, or calling me about it. He has a mid-afternoon deadline tomorrow to get his s*it together or no trip. Since I"m having major vertigo problem and Mr "Dont' f*cking tell me what to do" is 17 with NO license and can't help me drive, yeah, I think I have an argument for cancelling. I guess I sound bitter. Oh well.

He wants to be a film/video editor. Without going to school. Sure. Our community college and adult h.s. both offer degrees. He has to pick one or the other or he'll be living at the Rescue Mission when he turns 18.
Click to expand...

Damn. I think I would also cancel the trip if he doesn't clean his room out. And you don't need an excuse to make the decision to cancel, it's your right.
 
The on going saga of the resident teens at my house. They have been fighting pretty bad all summer. I instigated one fight between them because the older hadn't spoken to the younger for over three days. Well I thought that would have fixed things but no. They work together on top of that...
So joking the younger one says if dad gets her truck running she will help the older pack up and get off to college, if she buys gas.
The response is from the older who says she is done with the younger once she leaves for college.

That seems like an over reaction by the oldest.
 
back to school

Is anybody else sick of the constant doctor-dentist-dermatologist-optometrist appointments that seem to all have to happen in the 20 days before school starts? My baby girl starts kindergarten this year so I will officially have 5 children in school. Ack!
 
My kid informed me this morning that since his huntin' and fishin' weekend with the cousin last week was cancelled due to my vertifo... he now wants to go spend a week with a 19 y.o. woman (he's 17) for the release of some (who knows what) big video game on Sept 14. Which is when I wanted to go to Tampa with RJ for FL APA. Like I would send a kid who's only flown 3 times, thru Atlanta, to stay with a total stranger for 5 nights. He likens that to RJ and me meeting Cybs, but we're adults and he's a kid. How many travel crises could you have that he wouldn't know how to deal with?

I guess I have to get an idea of how serious he is; like it may not be issue on Monday. RJ and I are In Atlanta for the weekend so I have some wiggle room.

I just don't get wanting to fly 1000 miles to go to a "party" at "GameStop at the Mall" for some game release. Or am I clueless? It sounds so nerdy.
 
Zoning Goddess said:
My kid informed me this morning that since his huntin' and fishin' weekend with the cousin last week was cancelled due to my vertifo... he now wants to go spend a week with a 19 y.o. woman (he's 17) for the release of some (who knows what) big video game on Sept 14. Which is when I wanted to go to Tampa with RJ for FL APA. Like I would send a kid who's only flown 3 times, thru Atlanta, to stay with a total stranger for 5 nights. He likens that to RJ and me meeting Cybs, but we're adults and he's a kid. How many travel crises could you have that he wouldn't know how to deal with?

I guess I have to get an idea of how serious he is; like it may not be issue on Monday. RJ and I are In Atlanta for the weekend so I have some wiggle room.

I just don't get wanting to fly 1000 miles to go to a "party" at "GameStop at the Mall" for some game release. Or am I clueless? It sounds so nerdy.
Click to expand...

He's 17 huh? Well coming form a 32 year old guy, I'm thinking that he thinks he's going to get laid or is very infatuated. It's a little bit about the game release, but more about getting laid. I remember that age and boys concoct all sorts of weird scenarios about how and why some chick is going to love them - especially if they think she'll put out.

(come to think of it, the whole video game angle is quite ingenious)

Anyways, I can't imagine letting him go. But I'm not in your shoes.
 
Zoning Goddess said:
My kid informed me this morning that since his huntin' and fishin' weekend with the cousin last week was cancelled due to my vertifo... he now wants to go spend a week with a 19 y.o. woman (he's 17) for the release of some (who knows what) big video game on Sept 14. Which is when I wanted to go to Tampa with RJ for FL APA. Like I would send a kid who's only flown 3 times, thru Atlanta, to stay with a total stranger for 5 nights. He likens that to RJ and me meeting Cybs, but we're adults and he's a kid. How many travel crises could you have that he wouldn't know how to deal with?

I guess I have to get an idea of how serious he is; like it may not be issue on Monday. RJ and I are In Atlanta for the weekend so I have some wiggle room.

I just don't get wanting to fly 1000 miles to go to a "party" at "GameStop at the Mall" for some game release. Or am I clueless? It sounds so nerdy.
Click to expand...

If it were my son, the answer would be "no". You just wonder where they come up with these ideas. I think you're wise to wait and see how serious he is about it.
 
Veloise said:
^^Who's supposed to be paying for this trip? ZG?
Click to expand...

You bet. And you know, a small part of me says OOOOOHHH, Tucson, I've never been there! The other half says "uh-oh, statutory rape." and all kinds of mayhem. This of course is on the same fricking date I was hoping to accompany RJ to the state APA.
 
Zoning Goddess said:
My kid informed me this morning that since his huntin' and fishin' weekend with the cousin last week was cancelled due to my vertifo... he now wants to go spend a week with a 19 y.o. woman (he's 17) for the release of some (who knows what) big video game on Sept 14. Which is when I wanted to go to Tampa with RJ for FL APA. Like I would send a kid who's only flown 3 times, thru Atlanta, to stay with a total stranger for 5 nights. He likens that to RJ and me meeting Cybs, but we're adults and he's a kid. How many travel crises could you have that he wouldn't know how to deal with?

I guess I have to get an idea of how serious he is; like it may not be issue on Monday. RJ and I are In Atlanta for the weekend so I have some wiggle room.

I just don't get wanting to fly 1000 miles to go to a "party" at "GameStop at the Mall" for some game release. Or am I clueless? It sounds so nerdy.
Click to expand...

Negative.

I have a lot of friends that are gamers and into Comicon and that sort of stuff so it probably is partly because of the game release...I think it's Halo. And as btrage said it's about the girl too. (19 is not all that grown in my book)

Given the fact that he is living under your roof, has elected to not go to school and do the GED, does not respect the house he lives in, won't learn how to drive, or get a job then there's no reason he should be doing anything of the sort. Besides he's still a minor. Let him get his shit together first and then he can do something like that...next year when he's 18 and footing his own bill.
 
I concur. It's always about the girl. When I was 17 I convinced my parents to let me drive down-state about 300 miles one day for a wedding for a mutual friend with a girl I knew. They would've let me stay overnight, but the girl I drove down had a single mother who insisted that I bring her back home same-day. Probably smart on her part. Still, my old Reliant K had a bench front seat and there was a lot of really great cuddling with the Outfield on the radio for 300 miles of I-15.

I can't remember who got married. I remember the drive. It's always about the girl.
 
Yeah, something doesn't seem quite right here and I have that uncomfortable "Mom radar" going on, maybe due to lack of info, plus his inexperience travellling. Like I told RJ, I would love to visit Tucson, never been, but if the kid isn't forthcoming on info, and won't go if I fly out there with him, it's a bad sign.
 
How much is the flight, plus lodging? And how would that compare to sending him to a special program of some sort? (Band camp, boot camp, military school...)

Might make sure your CC info is not accessible, either in a wallet or on-line.
 
11 days until we take the oldest at home to college. There have been some heated disucssions about her getting her room packed up. Heated is not really the right descriptive. LOUD is more like it. My biggest worry is that in her procrasstination she will get down to the time she must leave and them slide into a screaming crying fit saying that she just cant do anything else with her room and leave it a disaster. Then I will be mad until Thanksgiving. So it has to go.

I can't wait for her to go..........................
 
Queen B said:
11 days until we take the oldest at home to college. There have been some heated disucssions about her getting her room packed up. Heated is not really the right descriptive. LOUD is more like it. My biggest worry is that in her procrasstination she will get down to the time she must leave and them slide into a screaming crying fit saying that she just cant do anything else with her room and leave it a disaster. Then I will be mad until Thanksgiving. So it has to go.

I can't wait for her to go..........................
Click to expand...

If she leaves it a mess, you get to clean it YOUR way. With or without warning.

My daughter was the same way when we moved out of our house; she kept saying that things were organized and ready to go, but the room was a mess. She got stuck packing in a hurry and by herself the last night at home. I wasn't going to stress over it or give it my time.

She's going to pay for it as she gets ready to leave for school this weekend. It's all in storgage, and still disorganized.
 
Back
Top