• Cyburbia is a friendly big tent, where we share our experiences and thoughts about urban planning practice, the built environment, planning adjacent topics, and anything else that comes to mind. No ads, no spam, and it's free. It's easy to join!

Humor šŸ¤£ Solutions sought for nonexistent problems

Maister

Maister

Chairman of the bored
Staff member
Moderator
Messages
38,185
Points
78
When I start making millions of dollars, I don't want to end up like Elvis or Billy Joel and get robbed like they did by their business managers. What can I do to make sure that doesn't happen?
 
Maister said:
When I start making millions of dollars, I don't want to end up like Elvis or Billy Joel and get robbed like they did by their business managers. What can I do to make sure that doesn't happen?
Click to expand...

Simple, sqaunder the money as fast as you make it. That way you could be like a sports celebrity or Lindasy Lohan.
 
Worry that your rights, and freedoms, are being taken away by socialism, which makes no sense, because rights, and freedoms, are taken away by fascism, but assume that redistribution of wealth is bad, and that capitalism, which you like, is not doing an amazing job of doing it, causing an income disparity of epic proportions, supported by red States, that receive the most welfare, which you are also against.
 
btrage said:
Cheap hookers and blow.

They can't steal what you've already spent.
Click to expand...

I appreciate the helpful suggestions, but wouldn't retaining the services of expensive hookers be a more effective means of keeping my surplus money out of the wrong hands?

Another thing... you know how they launch communication, spy, gps, weather, and other satellites every day...if they keep doing it for long enough it'll start to block out the sun's rays on the earth's surface. As that occurs, our solar water heaters are going to become less and less effective!
 
Maister said:
I appreciate the helpful suggestions, but wouldn't retaining the services of expensive hookers be a more effective means of keeping my surplus money out of the wrong hands?

Another thing... you know how they launch communication, spy, gps, weather, and other satellites every day...if they keep doing it for long enough it'll start to block out the sun's rays on the earth's surface. As that occurs, our solar water heaters are going to become less and less effective!
Click to expand...

Confucius say "What goes up, must come down".
 
I say get away from the $ standard. When our world ends, you will want gold. Buy tonnes of it, and then build yourself a safe hidden in the ground. Put it all there and spend the rest of your life getting guns and ammo to protect it. Shoot anything that gets near it - wildlife, thieves, children...
 
Hookers? Isn't that what they call those funny water pipes?

Invest in high-grade pharmaceutical franchises with street level distributors. ;) Cash transactions only.
 
Maister said:
When I start making millions of dollars, I don't want to end up like Elvis or Billy Joel and get robbed like they did by their business managers. What can I do to make sure that doesn't happen?
Click to expand...


Simple. Invest in a dome. The variety of uses that can come from said dome is greater than one would originally think. Any party members suspected of attempting to steal your money? Encapsulate them in your new dome. Or, in circumstances where multiple individuals are pursuing your money, encapsulate yourself in your new dome with along with your millions of dollars.

Ok, I have to get back to work now.
 
Buy a cruise ship and convert it to a house. Spend the rest of your days buying enough fuel to cruise around the world. Be sure to stop in Honolulu to pick me up.
 
HomerJ9139 said:
Simple. Invest in a dome. The variety of uses that can come from said dome is greater than one would originally think. Any party members suspected of attempting to steal your money? Encapsulate them in your new dome. Or, in circumstances where multiple individuals are pursuing your money, encapsulate yourself in your new dome with along with your millions of dollars.

Ok, I have to get back to work now.
Click to expand...

No, no, no. Build one humongous pyramid. Your razor blades will always be sharp, food won't spoil, your mental and physical traits will be amplified, and all the money you spend on it will be returned multiplied many times! And that's just the start. Trust me.
 
Okay, when the family departs for the Med coast during the winter and we close off the south wing of the house, should we dismiss the head gardener and re-hire a new one next year or should we keep him on retainer along with the butler and head maid until our return?
 
Maister said:
Okay, when the family departs for the Med coast during the winter and we close off the south wing of the house, should we dismiss the head gardener and re-hire a new one next year or should we keep him on retainer along with the butler and head maid until our return?
Click to expand...

Keep him around. He did make a lovely topiary of you on the west lawn.
 
Planit said:
Keep him around. He did make a lovely topiary of you on the west lawn.
Click to expand...

I don't understand. The only shrub in the west lawn is that tall arborvitae that's cucumber-shaped. I'm not shaped like a cucumber!
 
Maister said:
I don't understand. The only shrub in the west lawn is that tall arborvitae that's cucumber-shaped. I'm not shaped like a cucumber!
Click to expand...

No not that one...this one:
getlinks.php


That must be the east lawn. My bad.
 
Maister said:
Okay, when the family departs for the Med coast during the winter and we close off the south wing of the house, should we dismiss the head gardener and re-hire a new one next year or should we keep him on retainer along with the butler and head maid until our return?
Click to expand...

What is a head gardener? Is that, like, someone that grows weed? Or maybe does Chia Pets that look like the president?
 
So if I start growing a third arm, I know that our medical knowledge has advanced to the point where I'm confident it could be removed safely, but is there anything one can do to PREVENT it from happening?
 
Why would you want to prevent having a third arm? How many times have you needed a third arm and wished you had one? Trying to hold a screw, a screwdriver, and the object needs three arms. I for one would want to know what can be done to get me a third or even fourth arm. Imagine the boxing skill I would have!

For you people that want to prevent evolution, just grab one of the stones you use to scrub your feet and get to scrubbing that third arm stub before it becomes something more than a nub.
 
DVD said:
Why would you want to prevent having a third arm? How many times have you needed a third arm and wished you had one? Trying to hold a screw, a screwdriver, and the object needs three arms. I for one would want to know what can be done to get me a third or even fourth arm. Imagine the boxing skill I would have!

For you people that want to prevent evolution, just grab one of the stones you use to scrub your feet and get to scrubbing that third arm stub before it becomes something more than a nub.
Click to expand...
It's hard enough to buy shirts for bodies with two arms. Can you imagine how difficult it would be if you had three?
 
This is a timely thread as my family has recently discussed the list of WHO we would tell if we won millions of dollars in the lottery. My husband thinks that $50 million or more is really the minimum we'd want to make a difference in our lives and he's also a strong proponent of basically not telling anyone!

We've discussed the fact that we would likely buy some additional property and, at each new location, we would just come in as if we've always been this wealthy. We would also pay off some family members' homes but may do it anonymously so that even our extended family doesn't know about the windfall. And we've told the kids: NO NEW FRIENDS! Sorry, the friends you have now are it; we cannot trust anyone new into our lives. They'll just take advantage of us.
 
RandomPlanner said:
This is a timely thread as my family has recently discussed the list of WHO we would tell if we won millions of dollars in the lottery. My husband thinks that $50 million or more is really the minimum we'd want to make a difference in our lives and he's also a strong proponent of basically not telling anyone!

We've discussed the fact that we would likely buy some additional property and, at each new location, we would just come in as if we've always been this wealthy. We would also pay off some family members' homes but may do it anonymously so that even our extended family doesn't know about the windfall. And we've told the kids: NO NEW FRIENDS! Sorry, the friends you have now are it; we cannot trust anyone new into our lives. They'll just take advantage of us.
Click to expand...
If you win $50M+ in the lottery consider doing the following:
1. if the laws of one's state will allow it, do not claim the winnings in person. Give someone else power of attorney to claim it on your behalf.
2. Immediately set up a private foundation with the funds managed by a professional investor.
3. Have the foundation pay you a generous annual salary
 
Maister said:
When I start making millions of dollars, I don't want to end up like Elvis or Billy Joel and get robbed like they did by their business managers. What can I do to make sure that doesn't happen?
Click to expand...

Just do what I am going to do. Live a low key life in public so people don't suspect that you have money! But in private, go on lavish vacations, adventures, and eat the finest foods. Think of it this way, people won't steal from you if they don't know what you have!

For example, go to the Italian Coast for the weekend. When someone asks you how your weekend was, tell them that you went down to the beach. They will assume you are talking about South Haven and will never suspect you actually went to Cala di Volpe.
 
michaelskis said:
Just do what I am going to do. Live a low key life in public so people don't suspect that you have money! But in private, go on lavish vacations, adventures, and eat the finest foods. Think of it this way, people won't steal from you if they don't know what you have!

For example, go to the Italian Coast for the weekend. When someone asks you how your weekend was, tell them that you went down to the beach. They will assume you are talking about South Haven and will never suspect you actually went to Cala di Volpe.
Click to expand...
I'd generally not be interested in flying to Italy for a weekend, but might not be against it if flying first class.
 
After participating in this conversation yesterday, I looked up the price of a used private jet. I think I may need more than $50M...
 
Maister said:
You need to shop for used private jets. A used Cessna Citation can be had for an affordable 3 million or so.

View attachment 57192View attachment 57193
Click to expand...
This is helpful. I was looking at used Gulfstreams and they were much higher.

So the question then becomes: when I become filthy rich, will people think down on me if I only buy a used Cessna for $3M? Is that the Dodge Neon of private jets?
 
A friend of mine flies small charters (as a pilot). He's retired USAF and retired from an aircraft company. This is his 3rd or 4th career (depending on whether you count his time flying organs for transplant as a separate career). Anyway, he flies families around for trips to Disney wand what have you. It's not cheap but very affordable to someone with $50 million.
 
RandomPlanner said:
This is helpful. I was looking at used Gulfstreams and they were much higher.

So the question then becomes: when I become filthy rich, will people think down on me if I only buy a used Cessna for $3M? Is that the Dodge Neon of private jets?
Click to expand...
Yeah, good point! What's the point in being filthy rich if filthier richer folks are going to look down on you?
 
One in three households don't use their garages for vehicular storage, so let's update the zoning ordinance to ban garages.
 
Who the hell am I going to get to answer the thousands of letters and postcards I get every week from adoring fans all over the country?
 
Maister said:
Who the hell am I going to get to answer the thousands of letters and postcards I get every week from adoring fans all over the country?
Click to expand...
Obvious fact #1: I would do it for food money.
Obvious fact #2: You will ask yourself "Should I trust him to speak for me?" or, also "Should I trust him with food money?"
Obvious fact #3: You will not be the first person to ask yourself either of those questions about me.
 
Maister said:
Who the hell am I going to get to answer the thousands of letters and postcards I get every week from adoring fans all over the country?
Click to expand...
I did not send let alone consider sending you no stinkin' fan club letter or postcard.

Now git off my lawn.
 
Back
Top